Staying on Planet Earth

I think it’s over. From what I’ve recently gathered from a few sources, of the 12,000+ applicants, the “highly qualified” candidates were separated and their references contacted sometime this past fall. Interviewees (about 120 of them of the 12,000) are then determined from this small group. These folks are now getting called for interviews. Not only have I not gotten a call for an interview yet, my references were never contacted, likely meaning I never even made it into the highly qualified group. If that’s the case, I am definitely not getting an interview.

So that could be that. This is probably the last real chance before I am likely too old, my body too far over the hill, a few years from now, for NASA to even consider what it holds inside. And it appears on my last shot, giving it everything I had, I didn’t even get close. The long shot appears to have gotten that much longer and likely isn’t really a shot at all. It sort of feels like what I imagine watching a launch is like. The rocket is right there in front of you in all its glory. Slowly the rocket climbs up and clears the tower, then, ever-gaining-speed, it slowly climbs out of sight, over the horizon or too far away to see. All is relatively quiet, and so you wonder, “Okay, what do I do now?”

After 20+ years of dreaming of being an astronaut, the likely soon-to-be-experienced certainty of knowing it will not happen will take a bit to settle into. Sometimes I could imagine with such clarity what it would feel like to be in space that it felt like a deja vu in reverse- like it was my destiny, especially since it was the Imax film, “Destiny in Space” that, in high school, reawakened my 5 year old dream of becoming an astronaut. Apparently, I just have a really good imagination…

I have been preparing mentally for the time when I am confronted with the blurry thick line that will separate the astronaut hopeful phase of my life (which is most of it from age 5 to the present) to the non-astronaut-hopeful phase of my life. Forever a pre- and post-. Now it’s in sight, and always moving closer, I have no choice but to start the walk across. It’s the transition of “I might be an astronaut someday,” to “I really wanted to be an astronaut.” Astronaut-hopeful to astronaut-wannabe. I really thought I’d have made a good astronaut. And sometimes really thought I might be able to beat the odds and make it happen. I wanted to be alongside my moon-going heros, Boreman, Lovell, Collins, Armstrong, Conrad… And while maybe, if there’s a selection again in a few years, I’d be tied for oldest person selected, if I didn’t make it to the highly qualified round this time around, it’s exceedingly unlikely that I’d get any further being four years older.

Onwards we go. I’ve always thought, either I get to be a NASA astronaut, and if I don’t, I get to continue being like an earth-astronaut (never going to space but exploring the planet we live on.) How amazing for an astronaut to land on this planet and explore planet Earth for the rest of their days! More than a lifetime worth of exploring by land, sea and sky!

I am certainly disappointed to share the news with so many of you who have been so supportive. So many people rooting for me, I was so excited at the idea of sharing space (and training) with you. Chasing the dream has still been such a good part of my life, it has given me energy, focus and purpose, pushing me to be the best I can be. People often ask is the space program worth the cost, I say it is because the dream is worth dreaming even if it doesn’t come true.